Confused in Love Four (Part 4)

By: Akhi Ryu Go

I Love You... Goodbye

Days have passed and Gab has a new routine of leaving the house so early in the morning and coming home very late. It's one thing to not be able to talk to him when he's around and another when he's not at all. Because of that, I got used to this kind of setup. I don't really miss him that much anymore. I kinda like accepted the fact that he's not ever going to forgive me so I just learned to live with the pain.

One morning, hindi sya umalis. Since nasanay na kami nila Rocel and Harold na parati syang wala, it felt unusual. He spent the whole day at home kaya kinagabihan, naisipan ni Harold na yayain si Gab na makipag inuman sa kanya at the usual place, sa Night Rounds Bar because we were so curious about so many things and we thought if it was Harold, Gab wouldn't hesitate to open up.

*At the bar*

Harold: Wow Gab, It's been so long since the last time we did this pare.

Gab: Yeah, I know. I've been so busy lately.

Harold: Oo nga. Bakit nga ba? You're always away for a whole day.

Gab: Well I've got a lot of workshops and projects going. I mean, I like to keep myself busy.

Harold: You're not usually like that, but I'm glad kahit papano you're doing something productive.

Gab: Hahaha gago parang sinasabi mo na I've been wasting my days in the past years.

Harold: Hey I wasn't insinuating anything haha anyway bakit nga ba?

Gab: *sigh* I think you already know the answer to that. Don't pretend otherwise. Alam mo naman I'm always honest with you about almost everything.

Harold: Pare, ano nga bang iniisip mo? Why don't you want to hear what Akhi has to say?

Gab: What is there left to hear? When I saw everything with my own eyes? You're not gonna be like Ross and Cherry aren't you?

Harold: Nah! I won't be trying to persuade you. It's your choice pare. I'm just curious.

Gab: *sigh* actually I've got a lot of reasons. Right now, I'm still too angry. Trust me I tried to just forget about it, because I still love him so much but that's exactly what makes it matter to me, what makes me so angry. Looking back naman, I've also caused him so much pain over this matter, and now if I turn back, someone's gonna get hurt na hindi naman dapat nadadamay ngayon.

Harold: What do you mean by that?

Gab: *Sigh* Sarah...

Harold: Hold on... You mean kayo na ni Sarah?

Gab: Yes Harold, exactly.

Harold: Why didn't you tell us?

Gab: I originally intend to hurt Akhi. Pero nung naging kami ni Sarah, it turns out, hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanya. Because I can see how much he's in pain right now. Imagine kung gano kasakit pa sa kanya kung malaman nya na meron na akong iba. I think the pain I've already incurred him is more than enough.

Harold: *sigh* It seems it was only yesterday when we were here talking about your conflicted heart. How you were unsure if you're falling for him or not. Ngayon naman ang pinag uusapan na natin eh ito.

Gab: Yeah I know. All I can say is, it's collateral damage and it's been done.

Harold: Anyway, bakit nga ba hindi ka umalis ngayong araw?

Gab: It's my last day today before we go abroad.

Harold: Ano?

Gab: We're going on tour and a series of training. Requirement samin ng modelling agency and it's mandatory that all the new models come along.

Harold: Nako! Eh gano naman katagal yan?

Gab: 6 months. Kasama din samin si Sarah along with two make up artists and stylists.

Harold: Ah mukhang bigtime yan ah.

Gab: Hindi naman.

Harold: So kailan mo balak sabihin kina Akhi?

Gab: *sigh* Ikaw nalang siguro magsabi after I'm gone. I don't want to see him feeling so sad about this. I might break down myself.

Harold: Hahaha You know what, you've changed a lot. From the tough guy that I know to an emotional drama queen.

Gab: Gagu! Haha tang *nang yan. Tama na nga! Haha ubusin na natin 'to at maaga pa flight namin bukas.

Harold: Hahaha okay okay.

Gab: But seriously bro, mamimiss ko kayo.

Harold: Haha wag ganyan 'tol ang awkward haha

Gab: Nako nagsasabi lang ako ng totoo.

Harold: Mamimiss karin namin bro. Ingat nalang.

So they finished they're drink and headed back home.

---

Madaling araw na nang makabalik sila Gab at Harold sa bahay. I was already asleep by then. Pagpasok ni Gab sa kwarto, he looked in my direction. He felt pity and sad. Gaya nang sabi nya the damage has been done. This is what has become of us. He couldn't help but cry then he Approached me. He whispered "maybe we're better off this way. I love you, and I'm sorry that I couldn't say it to your face, please forgive me." Uupo na sana sya sa gilid ng bed ko when I woke up and saw him.

Akhi: Gab? What is it? Are you crying?

He stood up straight and toughened himself up and wiped his tears.

Gab: No. I'm not crying. Go back to sleep Akhi.

He turned and walked away then I called for him again

Akhi: Gab, I just want to let you know, I'm giving up.

He paused and listened to what I was going to say. I started crying and spoke

Akhi: If you wanna believe that I did those things on purpose, and that I am such an awful person then just continue to do so. I'm completely letting you go. So please, don't hold back if you want to give your love to somebody else but let me just say this for the last time. I love you so much Gab. I've never loved anybody else like this in my entire life.

Gab shut his eyes tightly as my words pierced through his heart deeply and then he continued on his way and headed out of our room. After a few minutes I could hear him talking over the phone and it seems like he was saying goodbye to his parents. I didn't know why he was doing that. I laid back again and closed my eyes and I was reminiscing the times when we were happy. Mga panahong in denial pa kami sa nararamdaman namin para sa isa't isa and that time that he saved me from danger and almost lost his life. I relived the very first day that we met. It wasn't pleasant but that was the day that I met the guy that has changed my life forever. I remember how cute he was when he's flustered or embarrassed and how gorgeous he is even when asleep. How warm his embrace makes me feel. How loving and passionate his kisses were. I cried remembering this because it's painful that I couldn't have them back anymore but for the last time I am very thankful that this handsome man, this very caring, loving and kind man was once my lover... Was once mine...

---

๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ˜ž

It was already 10 in the morning. Nagising ako dahil parang narinig kong tinawag ni Gab ang pangalan ko. Tapos naramdaman kong parang may yumakap at humalik sa pisngi ko. Pagbangon ko, I looked at Gab side of the room but he wasn't there.

Akhi: *sigh* maybe I was just dreaming.

I slowly got up from my bed and was about to head outside when I saw something in Gab's bed. It was a letter and obviously it's from him. I am so tempted na basahin yon but I restrained myself. Ayoko na kase umasa ulit. I already gave my word. So I just headed out of the room to have some coffee. When I got to the dining room, Harold and Rocel was already there sitting side by side. Harold's head is rested in the palm of his right hand with his eyes shut tightly like he was in pain and it seemed like he's been crying while his other hand is rubbing Rocel's back who's face is burried on her forearms rested on the table.

Akhi: Good morning guys. What's going on here?

Sabay nila akong tiningnan. Kapwa namumugto ang mata. Rocel is sobbing then she spoke.

Rocel: Akhi, wala na si Gab.

Akhi: Anung ibig mong sabihin? Nag out of town sya, or abroad?

Harold: Oo. Yun nga dapat.

Akhi: I see! so that explains why he was saying goodbye to his parents over the phone. It sounded a bit emotional though.

But then, they were just looking at me as I spoke and they were still crying. Biglang tumulo ang luha ko sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Then I asked:

Akhi: Eh bakit kayo umiiyak? Wala namang masamang nangyari sa kanya diba?

Tila ayaw nilang sagutin ang tanong ko. Kinukutuban ako ng masama. Lalo pa tuloy akong naiyak.

Akhi: Sumagot naman kayo please? Why are you crying so much?

Rocel: Akhi... Huhuhu... Wala na sya...

Akhi: What the hell Ross wag kang magsalita ng ganyan.

Harold cried even more and he looked so much in pain and sorrow as he said

Harold: Akhi! Huhu patay na si Gab!

Napuno ng sakit ang dibdib ko. I cannot process it in my head. What I've just heard is something I couldn't believe and I couldn't accept. It was like my spirit left my body and I feel so numb...

Akhi: T*ngina Harold ayoko ng ganyang biro!

I said that while crying. Suddenly, the front door opened then Cherry, Lyssa, Celine, Audrey and Mackhoy came rushing in. Cherry was crying when she said

Cherry: Guys I've just learned from the news what happened! Huhu Gab's plane crashed!

She didn't realize that I was right there then nagtama ang paningin namin ni Cherry. Hearing that was a savage confirmation of that uneventful news.

Nanlulumo ako. Nanghihina... Para akong hihimatayin I repeatedly said

Akhi: No... No... *sob* this is not true... This is just a dream right? Cherry please slap me as hard as you can so that I could wake up.

Cherry: Akhi.... *crying*

She just stood there staring at me.

Akhi: No! This isn't true. Haha *in tears* you're pranking me right? Haha umalis lang naman talaga si Gab. Gusto nyo lang talaga ako asarin.

Everyone was just looking at me as I try to convince myself that this isn't really happening. I was slowly dying inside. Dahan dahang lumapit sakin si Cherry at niyakap ako ng mahigpit.

Cherry: Akhi... I wish I could tell you that it's not real... That it was just a joke...

As she continues her sentence, I shut my eyes tightly and my tears are flowing like an endless rain. Sh*t it's too painful na para bang mababaliw ako. Ang sakit sakit sa dibdib na para bang dinudurog ang puso ko sa bawat salitang binibitawan nya.

Cherry: But it's true... It was all over the news this morning and I couldn't believe it myself... I'm so sorry bessy. Huhuhu

Then that gave it. Umiyak ako ng pagkalakas lakas. Ang sakit! I was going wild at isinisigaw ko ng paulit ulit ang pangalan ni Gab while crying. Everyone was trying to calm me down but they couldn't. Hindi kaya ng puso't isip ko na tanggapin ang lahat.

---

๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ

After hours and hours of crying wildy, I calmed down a bit but I'm still in tears. Pumasok ako sa kwarto namin and felt the pain rein on me as I lay down on his bed, crying of sorrow and agony. Then I felt something on my back. It was his letter... The last thing that I was ever gonna get from him... Trembling, I reached for it and carefully opened it with a heavy heart. Then I read his letter...

Dear Akhi,

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to say goodbye to you properly before I left. Nahihiya kase ako. I've been so bad these past few weeks... All I did was hurt you but I hope you understand my situation as I was in pain myself.

 

I just wanna tell you that I forgive you and not a day goes by that I wasn't thinking about you. I hope you forgive me too. It's just funny because just now, I was reminiscing everything... From the first day we've met until today... I don't know kung bakit ganun all of a sudden.

 

I realized to myself na hindi ko pala kayang mawala nalang lahat ng masasayang sandali na magkasama tayo. Tsaka those times that we just hangout with Harold, Ross, Gid and Cherry at home at nag iinuman at nag aasaran. You guys were my family. I want things to go back the way they were.

 

I've got to confess something... May kasalanan din pala ako sa'yo. Niligawan ko si Sarah and just yesterday naging kami. I did that because I wanted to hurt you pero di ko pala kaya. So as stupid as it sounds, I told her last night over the phone that I want to break up. Luckily she accepted it and she said she knew what was coming.

 

As I go abroad I hope things will clear out and that we will keep in touch and when I come back, everything's gonna be as they are before.

 

Rocel being the queen, Harold as her servant king, me as your prince and of course, you as my very own beloved and special princess... Akhi, always remember that I love you so deeply from the depths of my whole being. You will always be in my heart...

 

Your Handsome Prince,

 

Francisco Gabriel Martinez

After reading all of that, the pain was just intensified... Lunod na lunod na ko sa sakit at kalungkutan. Ang lungkot lungkot... Bakit kailangang mawala ka sakin Gab sa ganitong paraan? I slept through the pain, crying endlessly...

His body was recovered and returned to his family two days after and I've been crying none stop since then at ibinurol ang kanyan labi sa simbahan malapit sa house ng parents nya. All our friends tried to convince me to go but I just couldn't. Hindi ko kayang pumunta doon and pretend to not be hurt just because his parents are there. Malamang sa malamang I'm gonna break down and cause a scene so I restrained myself despite my strong desire to see his corpse. I spent my days crying and thinking about him... I wear his clothes... I sleep in his bed... I even pretend that he's with me and I talk to him... Sometimes I feel like his around... Na para bang yakap nya ako... I always dream about him at nights consecutively. "Akhi".... Nagising ako because I heard it as if Gab was whispering directly to my ears. araw na ng libing nya... I think he wanted me to go so I cleaned myself up, got changed and with pain in my heart, I decided that I am going to send him off... Sumama ako kina Harold and for the last time... For that very painful and sorrowful last time... I saw his face... He's peacefully resting... I tried my best not to cry but that's impossible. So I didn't care anymore if I was raising suspicions around me. I cried my heart out.

---

As they burry him, I whispered sincerely... I love you Gab... Always and forever... and I forgive you...........

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